| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|03:09 am] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | Sound Effects |
| | shadow of the day | ] |
and I've only been home for a moment and I already feel like I've done something wrong, told to much and stayed to long. Out of words and out of time todays far past its expired date I've got to clear this mind and rest these eyes butHow can I do that with my every move on my mind |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|09:58 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  guilty | ] |
| [ | Sound Effects |
| | against me! Borne on the FM waves | ] |
If this is what we consider art, were all just victums to the craze
If you find these words poetic your hearing has been damaged
If this is how we express opinion were forgetting individual thought requiers a purpose
If this is what we call beauty society has gone blind for the bullshit
Were staring at blank screens hopeing for an ice breaker
technology has brought more distance then comfort
This isent love were just playing the game until all the pieces are lost
searching for signal and waiting for a connection another chemical reaction
swallow your pills and hope for good composure
if were all just dieing then why not risk it all for one moment
miscommunicate my feelings and fall to the floor
too much movement to focus on too many thoughts to detange
i give up im a mess at your door and on the keyboard
fill in the blanks your what ive always wanted and you never had a clue |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2007|10:27 pm] |
I wish there were an explanation for this
a definition to the disease
of always wanting what i can't obtain
emotions and rules restrict my movement towards changing goals
they have one thing in common, dramatic effect
the chaos of destrying everything brings me comfort and control
a year ago i ddient think i could be more fucked up
never underestimate the darker parts of the human mind, it can always be more twisted
so if my emotions are true and if no one can control the outbursts of the heart
why would i feel like im crossing lines if i followed the voices
staring across the table, hugs in the back room
different people same thought proccess
same hope of a new dramatic game to play
if i wanted somthing real and reliable i could have it
but of course i can pick out the flaws far too easy
no nadine wants the best friend whos got a girl friend
her friends ex boyfriend
anyone she knows she can never have
fiction is always better then reality
playing mind games, floting away in twisted situations
they will never happen
and i will be the first to admit im going after the wrong ones
just to prove that im as fucked up and over as i claim
im just in such a need to find someone or soemthing to lay the blame on
diseases, disorders, and a disconnected sense of what is possible in reality |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2007|02:56 am] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  hit by bricks | ] |
| [ | Sound Effects |
| | Rihanna - Umbrella | ] |
to fast to compleate my train of thought
old obsession out new movement in
mess around, shy at first then connection builds
first moves lost in the seconds
maybe i will be scared tomorrow morning
about my lack of controlled emotion
let loose song repeating in my head, on my streo
words, laughs, conversation lingers
this uzz is still here
i made a mess of myself, stareing eyes couldent care less |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2007|09:18 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  gloomy | ] |
It never works, I want to burn everything, and be a new person |
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| Dear September 12th: |
[Sep. 12th, 2007|11:27 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  happy | ] |
You turned out to be everything i wanted you to be
Less failure, more risks, a change of pace, stepping out of time of the same old same old. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | Sound Effects |
| | Amber Pacific | ] |
I'm sorry for this, i am going to put hope in an hour and a half conversation at four in the morning. Drunk on my part but it dosent change the facts, i still stumbbled and ive never been more clueless on my next move or if i shoould just wait for you to make yours. I don't know who you want me to be, i don't know who i'm trying to be and if its even for myself anymore. Telling myself this can't be normal i was just a girl to waste some words on, your building me up to end up on my back broken heart and all...or it could be something real and i'm to scared to let myself believe. Youve got an exploded ego and ive got a starring problem for a certain picture where ive never seen eyes look so impossibly blue, so i'm in no place to judge. I feel rediculous reading these words back to myself but why pretend they arent colliding in my head i'm being honest but come on theres not a chance in hell you will ever read this, thats not the intention of it anyway it's not a public announcment being pushed infront of your face its recording my newest state of mind...and then i re-read messages from last night and all the sudden im nervous and hopeing like hell im worth your time, god damn i have no idea how to handle this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|06:30 pm] |
| [ | Locate Me |
| | The pits | ] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| | guilty | ] |
| [ | Sound Effects |
| | Amber Pacific/Here We Stand | ] |
Hold onto my arms, stretching accross my chest
Such a rush, sinking back into my seat
Foolish flashbacks of past regret
Rain clouds follow me, no cliche intended
If i could have one wish it would be to erase those months
Erase my beating heart, worthless heart
I gave you space between us
You closed the gap, you read my thoughts
How could i ever think that could have been more then my imagination
You were the first boy i ever wanted to mean something
You were the first person to leave without a reason
And i still see you, with someone else
I still think to myself what i did wrong this time
What if for once you two stopped pretendng things have changed
Would i stand a chance then, could i even take it?
Could i wish for her world to fall apart
So that mine can have a fresh start
If i could squeese my thoughts into an elligant shape i would
I want to be seen as skilled in poetic form but im not
My thoughts don't fit i allow them to spill over the table
Like a glass of water it only stops when its damn well ready too
Its starting to seem like these words and thoughts are never done spilling
The closest thing to lines of wisdom is the noise in my ears
I want these thoughts to stop before my drunk mouth gets me into trouble
I can't deal with him or her
I cant deal with people never changing
Feelings always lingering, drugs never healing
And pain always stacking up tied with failure |
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| Haley says: |
[Aug. 28th, 2007|11:00 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  contemplative | ] |
"you sound happier these days"
I had to make her repeat this over the phone incase it had cut out and formed a false sentence, but i was not mistake, but im not fully beliving it, how can i be happier nothing new has come into my life that i wanted, I have a job but its not the one i was hoping for, ive got the will but no power, and im alone as ever. Could i just be so blunt to miss a better then decent life when it smaks me in the face? There seems to be a switch on my vision, hearing, ad sense of the world that filtters out the good and only gives me the negative, this blurry vision is in need od correstion but theres no doctor for this one, only i can cure myself, ha how true that always is, the worst cases of a ruined sense of self, and warped perception carry no over the counter perscription, therapy treatment, or "doctors orders." Only the small voice of reason in your mind can turn of that switch.
Turn of that blinding light, and step into the sunshine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|07:38 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| | scared | ] |
My greatest fear...
Loneliness
I walk through life everyday in fear of people leaving
And of course they always leave, everyone has there own lives to keep up with
But all the friends in the world can’t make up for the fact that I’m lacking something
At this moment I am in a nightmare, I am in an empty house
I can’t escape this, truth is I’ve always been running away
But there’s no point in continuing to run, it’s only a quick fix
An easy escape from reality, hot days, cigarettes and sun glasses
I could be anyone in the world, until I turn the deadbolt to my front door
And return to my reality, the personality I’ve never liked
Or maybe I run in search of something to fill the whole in my heart
I’m looking for something to make myself complete
In search of someone who can break my barriers
A single touch creating butterflies in my stomach
Let’s just say hypothetically I’ve got someone in mind
So much talk, so little conversation, two more days then will see
It’s a curse building someone up in your mind
Just to be disappointed by the truth
There never as good as you make them up to be
Maybe this time I will get what I’m looking for
Hello ray of hope in the back of my mind, please don’t burn out |
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| Not close enough, just a wisheful thought |
[Jul. 9th, 2007|10:34 pm] |
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I fall so fast, I scrap my knee, a faulty step
no band aid can stop this escaping blood No words can cure these thoughts
I think to fast, head rush and achy knees
forget to breath, I forgot what it was like to finally dream
waste another conversation, waste away your hopes
staring at the skies blackened from lack of light
obvious conclusions, light headed decisions
lack of judgment leads to romance and a rush of regret
so oblivious to the surroundings, cold grass and gathering clouds
the silence before…
the clash of bodies, racing thoughts too aware of every movement scream into the emptiness of hidden pasts, denial, and self destruction
hold my secrets tight there trying to find there way out of these lips
put a better use to this body someone could love this life so much more then me
ungrateful, why did I have to be so clumsy?
crashing down creating a disaster
why couldn’t I just have you, have you right fucking now
don’t change a thing not a single second its too good to be true...
why did I have to regain conscience at 3am I was in a perfect bliss
reality tastes bitter with raindrops and harsh thoughts tell your self “I’m not awake, I’m not awake, I’m someone else in a place where I’m happy” |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|11:46 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  envious | ] |
it's true
i wasted all of my thoughts
all of my spare time
trying to figgure out his mind
and of course i came off as distant
she won i lost
then i ignored my feelings i do that too fucking much
this was months ago back in september
and now theres a twisting feeling in my gut
shes happy im alone, uhh im fucking pathetic
but it just seems like that was the time when everything started to fall apart
i ignored my feelings and developed even more problems as a result |
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| Optamistic Goodbye |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|11:23 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | Sound Effects |
| | Stutterfly | ] |
Take these words and twist them
Take my spin and break it piece my piece
Twisting my thoughts which remain unspoken
Make them into something pretty
Force these manipulated fragments out
Elegance only in the form of sound coming from an ugly soul
After this display rip my body apart
Detach me from it
Wake up dead and cold
I have no memory of this
Where am I...
What have you done with this life...
Silence answers, finally away from the world
Why are you afraid of the dark, the night, a pitch black room
Is it because there is nothing
no, it is because everything is there at once, invisible
until these fears strike, your mind drives you insane
White rooms are clean, empty, pure
You know what’s what because there is nothing
I awake to emptiness a white room thank god
death gave me what I wanted, solitude
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2007|12:23 am] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Sound Effects |
| | Superchick/Stand in the Rain | ] |
I had so many words, floating in this empty head, that is i had them when i lacked a pen and paper capturing these thoughts s such a challenge, and as soon as they are out im reorganized remotivated, but im lacking the clutter, and i like that clutter of thoughts bouncing behind my eyes behind these lines i throw out, im saying to anyone who cares to listen "I dont know who i am, and i cant tell you what i have become, im so ashamed of the things i do and the things i don't, i want to become the person i would never know the person i will never have, mess me up in a dream with you one where the scenery matches the perfectly scripted words the perfect acting the perfect touch the perfect lie, all never lose myself in that again remind myself: its acting thats all it is an act, and i fear saying the truth because i don't want pitty i don't want judgemnt i don't want your help, and apparently not wanting your opinions shoveld down my throat makes me a horrible person, your lack of knowledge makes your voice worthless, its not about being pretty, its about everything i can't explain, i tried today and i almost cried and broke down so i had to stop myself before i got out of hand, so im deciding to mark this down as confidential. All i can tell you is im not happy either way, im lonely as hell but i cant trust enough to be in love so all stick with loney its an easy emotion to identify, no more trick questions with answers that require decodeing"
i had no idea all of that was in me maybe i will rant again when my head gets too full to think strait |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2007|08:13 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  annoyed | ] |
One month since you made my heart skip a beat
how mother fucking cliché
well now its on the floor bleeding and still beating
you want me come and get me
I’m fucking done
but at the same time as I quit letting my mind wander
my mind already feels more refreshes and ready to regain my grasp on reality
my control
so my mind wanders away from high school hopes and back into what’s always been more faithful |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2007|10:59 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| | contemplative | ] |
Friends without last names
Drug dealers selling pills that come more like a prescription then an escape
Addicts with no shame, feeding there dirty habits
Renting rooms like a hotel to strangers for one night stands and secret lives
Chain smoking cigarettes until the final train at 1am
Run home to your forth floor apartment, the lights are on, the records playing
It's just as you left it, your old life is always waiting for you |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|09:56 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  relieved | ] |
So I made it all up in my head...as usual. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|10:18 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| | scared | ] |
A new high?
A new all time low.
Why did i have to go opening my mouth?
I know i could have said worse things
But now the world can hold new suspicion
Im so scared that i can't face the honesty
I had tonight, tomorrow.
it sounds like it's about something, but it's not
just to clarify |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|04:03 pm] |
| [ | The Side Effects |
| |  confused | ] |
Somethings different
I don't get it
Hell im not to sure if i like it or not
People are being different
Am i
falling?
a hopeless addict?
Under the influence equals the freedom to not give a fuck
And even though things are shaping up
I still wish i were someone else
And i guess im terribly selfconscince
For the longest time i dident even know it
I refuse to believe peoples words
Direct and to the point.
You're..well just so incredible
I can't understand that
It cant possibly be about me
But it is
I'm so tierd of reading to far into things
Just go with what it is
And don't get your hopes up too high.
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